Journal Entry (excerpts) from January 22nd... The funniest thing of my life happened last night. I came back to my room early and was getting ready for bed when Judy burst into the room saying there was a girl in the bar with $1,000 who wanted my room number for some Dominican man who wanted to sleep with me for the money. Can you imagine? I could have retired!!!
:)
Had a nice day today in town and at Plaza Naco shopping with Steve. Picked up a few things but still no clothes and Doug'll be here in one week! Then had the best ice cream i've had in ages. Always so nice to get away from the Jaragua!
January 24th... I can't live in a pigsty for one more day! I didn't realize how lucky i was to have Lorna for a roomate!... I can rarely find one square inch of available space. Towels on the floor, bathmat in a lump, shit all over the floor, sink and toilet top. Baby powder on the floor, clothes on the floor. She makes it so I have no room at all to put my things. Tonight i finally went crazy and redecorated making myself a little sitting corner similiar to the one at Longacre. It's very clearly mine and i'd best not find any shit on it! I think the truth is that Doug, Lois and I are probably the only people in the world who know how to keep a clean house.
I've had a very unusual day. Pantojas, Roberto, Cathy, Bob and I left for Puerto Plata last night after the show. It was a beautiful drive and after stopping for breakfast finally made it there by 11:00 am. It was freezing! So we had lunch and drove to the beach and it started pouring! So what else was there to do but turn around and come home? I've never been so tired in my life. We drove over 500 miles since last night! Got home at 5:00, went straight to bed and didn't get up until 10:00. Had dinner, messed around, and now i'm ready to hit the sack again.
January 26th... The most depressing thing that could have happened to me ~ happened. Doug's not coming! For the first time ever, i hated seeing his letter in my mailbox. I knew before i opened it that something was wrong and i felt sick all the way up to my room even before i read it. He said that he'd rather come at the end of my contract so that we could spend some time touring around when i don't have to be back for work. That sounds lovely, but i need him now! More than i've ever needed him in my life. I thought about it all day and finally decided to call him but either he wasn't home or the operator wasn't. It was the hardest show i've had to do cause i only had one thing on my mind. I finally reached himat 2 am. What miracles just one little telephone call can do. I felt so warm and happy just hearing his voice that i could have talked to him forever. Gus (Solomon's) is in town and now he has to rehearse with Paul (Sanasardo). But he'll be down in a few weeks so i guess i can hold out till then. He told me he loved me a lot!
Went to sleep to the sounds of f*cking in the next room.
January 30th... I got violently ill during the show Thursday night and had to leave half way through. I suppose i should get use to it since i'll probably get food poisoning at least three more times while i'm here. I think i've been sick more in the past month than in the previous 10 years of my life. Too bad that with the nausea also comes the depression and unhealthy mental feelings. I was in bed all Friday and Friday night and I cried so hard wanting my mother. I really miss her so much. There is so much changing in all of our lifes and it scares me so much to think that i'll never have things as they were again. The thought of my mother becoming Mrs. Lois Salisbury within the week gave me such feelings of abandonment. I'm growing up and i don't know that i want to. I don't feel any older than i did in highschool and yet everyone expects me to act like i'm 22. I wish someone would tell me that i couldn't do something, or that i had to be in by 12 o'clock.
I miss everyone so much and i really don't think i can stand it here for two more months! My mind is disintigrating and i don't know what i want anymore.
February 4th... I could probably go for at least a month without writing and still be able to make up for lost time with one entry.
I'm determined to get a tan! It's so painful to lay in that scorching sun... But i want to have a lot of color when Doug gets here. The only thing that is keeping me same is the fact that he is still coming. Everything i do or see is related to how it'll be when he's here to share it. If he'd come on the 29th like he'd planned to he'd be gone by now!
I don't know what's happened to me. I use to love becoming involved with a show and a group of people for months at a time. All the scandals and being a part of them... Now, i'm just sickened by it all. All the talk and everything that's going on... I havn't the least desire to become involved with all the sex and the drugs and I feel so sorry for most of these people. I have the least respect of all for Judy. She seems to think that her life is downhill from here but makes a joke out of it at the same time. How i wish i had someone here who could invigorate or inspire me. I count the weeks till i can spend April in Cali with my friends and get back to knowing what i want in life. I really do like Cathy. She's an ok girl most of the time, when she's not with the others. Why we're not roomates is beyond me. Judy and I are extreme opposites!
I fell apart in my ballet class yesterday. Not good. I need to get back on the right track.
February 6th... I need to see Doug! How many times can i say that? Not enough. I need to see him quickly before my personality completely deteriorates. I need him to revitalize me! Living here in everyone's coldness, thinking of him gives me the warmest feelings. I need him here now to help me rid myself of all the ugly feelings i have towards everyone. I need to rediscover who i am and how i really like being who i am, because i don't like me right now. These people have done something to rid me of my self worth and i don't know how to combat it. I think i've tried and yet i'm not sure. When i left the dressing room tonight i said that getting out of there was probably the best think i could do. And so it was.
February 10th... The hammering began at 8 this morning and hasn't stopped yet. Sometimes i think the repairs on this hotel will never end. Now there is no water...
I know i'm going crazy. each day the wait seems longer before i'll be able to see Californina and the friends i love again. My only salvation, Cathy, will be leaving at the end of the month, along with all the acts. I wonder what will happen to the show. Hector could pull some real shit on us, and i wouldn't put anything past him. Judy had her birthday yesterday and I bought her a bottle of rum and made a card with a poem i wrote for her and had everyone sign it. I think it may have helped our relationship a bit. As long as it gets me through the next month and a half!
February 13th... At last alone, a chance to write. I'm in the dressing room and the American girls are gone. The Spanish girls are all yacking away, and though twice as annoying, not half as maddening.
They're moving us out to a little bungalow behind the hotel, where they burn the trash. Charming, cozy little rooms, half the size of the one's we have now and with a lovely view of the construction yard next door. What Judy will do with all of her shit is beyond me. I almost flipped out last night thinking about it. Sharing a house with 12 othe people, partial hot water with electric shocks in the taps. It's only for a week then they'll move us back to the hotel but on the other side of the hall with virtually no windows. What does it matter? Hell is hell no matter where you're sleeping.
I get pains thinking of home and how heavenly it will be for a while. Why don't i ever realize how good i have it when i have it good? Haven't heard from Douglas yet...
February 16th... Well, my mother always told me i had missed out by not going away to college and experiencing dormatory life, but I don't think that this is quite what she had in mind. Thirteen people living under one roof with a least one or two extras every night... Sharing three bathrooms, one living room and a kitchen. Actually, i don't mind it as much as i thought i would. There is a real sense of freedom being able to wander from room to room. I was becoming extremely claustrophic in that hotel room. I wouldn't mind staying here the rest of the time except that everyone keeps such late hours and no matter what time i get to bed i can't get to sleep until everyone else does. I don't understand people who have no consideration. I could never, ever bring myself to just turn on a light when someone else was sleeping. I wish someone "else" felt the same way.
Aside from that... Rover the Rooster perches himself right outside my window every morning at 6 am and lets everyone know he's awake. We're also living with a dog and two parrots. Then there's the alarm clock Judy bought that ticks loudly all night and can only be drowned out by the air conditioner. But Judy turns that off...
February 17th... Today started off with a letter from Douglas. Very cold and to the point. What point, I'm not certain. He said there is still no end in sight for rehearsals with Paul and then to quote him, "Be a good girl and if you come home rich, I'll know where you got your money. No moral judgement here, just amazed at the high price of love these days." Fin
I mean, i HAD mentioned the $1,000 proposition to him but thought I'd made it clear that i was not in the market. I've tried reading between the lines and still can't come up with a meaning. I guess i just don't know him well enough, or he doesn't know ME well enough. If i could have him here with me for 5 days i think we could learn the world about each other. As it is, i don't even know if he's coming... or if we'll just soon be back to those every other week "rendezvous" in N.Y.
The rest of the day was just your normal, aggrivating, anxious day but the show was interesting. Marcos Canestrelli hurt his neck during the act and there was a big to-do about it on stage. Then Jose Lacay flipped his can when an announcement was made during his show asking if there was a doctor in the house... Such dramatics!
February 20th... The Canestrelli's leave tomorrow ~ one of the best things in the show. I felt sad watching the trampoline being taken apart out in the street. I think i'll really miss little Alessio, i've become so attached to him. I'll wonder what that little face is doing years from now. I'll probably see his picture somewhere some day, all grown up and it'll touch me in a special way. I wanted a picture of him so badly but i had no film and the store was closed today. He is probably one of the few things from this show that'll i'll remember.
Judy hasn't said a word to me in over a day and a half and so I've been holding several conversations with myself. It's obvious she's not interested and it truly doesn't hurt my feelings a bit. A silly thing.. but in the dressing room tonight, she offered everyone a piece of candy except me. I think i'm going to get my own room as i'm staying in the house and i think she's moving back to the hotel.
February 21st... Well at least i'm free, for whatever it's worth! It's gonna take some getting use to being alone all the time. All the PR's are still in the house but i don't have much to say to them except for Marcos and Eddie who are really, really sweet. I just hope i don't end up getting left out of everything entirely. Still, the thought of no one coming into my room except me excites me terribly! I rearranged the room so that now i have a little reading area and a huge king size bed (just for me?) Kathe also gave me her refrigerator so now i really don't have to mingle with anyone at all unless i want to. I guess i've learned just how much my privacy means to me.
Marcos and Ed Vachon
Alone at last!
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